time keeps going, and so do we. so now that gravity's rejoined us and all that shit's starting to float back down i'm realizing that nothing has actually changed. i mean I'VE changed. I feel better. I remember that January crisis mode. My roommate and best friend in this town is joining the peace core in february, i'm still in the same clinic space, still have the same crazy land lord, the same crazy neighbors, i'm practicing my medicine and getting paid for it (which after all, was the dream all along, wasn't it?), have a second job at a community acupuncture clinic that pays my rent and lets me meet new and inspiring people all the time, and i'm learning from teachers that have influenced me in was equal to my mentor back home. I'm not dating, but am involved in a quasi relationship that could at best be described as intoxicating and fulfilling, and at worst- like a bad idea... a weird, bad idea. but eh, that's never stopped me before.
I've got some sick family stuff going on some 3,200 miles away that is making me feel very divided between locations... not in the way that I could make any difference if i were there... but in the way that it just kills me to know that i'm not. alcoholism fucking sucks. I'm thinking I might take a month long trip down there in november to just offer my love and be present, see how it goes. i don't know, really. I guess today i'm feeling pretty great, it's exhausting to talk about sad, hopeless situations when you're feeling good. so i won't, but i promise, next time im feeling the depths of sadness, guilt, grief, and despair over this i'll get on here and vent. heh.
so basically i've realized that despite all of the things in my life right now that are actually WAY more tumultuous than they had been the last time i signed on here, i am also far more at peace. I've learned that i grow more, i reach more, i dive into myself deeper and more meaningfully, when i am in pain. not when i'm afraid. when i'm sad, i look to run from the sadness, when i'm afraid, i hide from the fear- but when i'm in pain, i know how to confront in and- well... really, there's no where farther to run, so... maybe that played a role in this too. either way, i figured out how to turn in, and separate myself from the storm swirling around me. and i realized one thing:
THE STORM WILL ALWAYS BE SWIRLING AROUND ME, I AM ALIVE.
this allowed me the freedom to stop running (the next step is to learn to stop chasing).
i've always been whisked around in the wind, tossed around by the storm of emotions, circumstances, and just life, really, that i will never be able to control. i'm sensitive to that stuff, i just am. what happens when you take a 150 lb object and toss it into a tornado?? it becomes yet another projectile... really, i would like to believe i was destined for something greater than "projectile!"... not helpful. so i learned to step into the center of the cyclone. to observe the storm. to react to the other projectiles tied into the storm, but consciously. to be the objective observer that i somehow never realized i could be. i fall in and out as it is, but i hope to make this space in the center home base, its quite peaceful and even entertaining here.
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